It’s been almost 18 years since I was single and a part of the dating scene. But having dipped my toe back into the sea recently, I am reminded the more things change, the more they stay the same.
When I was younger I didn’t date a whole lot per se. I had a lot of friends who were guys and in college for the most part was “one of the guys” as most of my friends I hung out with were guys. My more intimate experience with men ranges from 4 serious relationships (one of which was a 13 yr marriage with 2 children) mixed in with 5 shorter flings, so to speak. Not a whole lot for a 44 yr old. Since my divorce, without dating I’ve somehow managed to have sex at once a year, except this year I doubled that. Sadly a much better average than during the last 8 years of my marriage. Thank god for friends with benefits – a relationship which for me definitely has its place. Meeting new people is more of a challenge and takes a lot more energy.
What’s changed – Today people have their choice of online dating, 10-minute dating etc…all very different than the methods of the 80’s and 90’s. What’s the same is how people act when they first meet and get to know each other initially which at times can be pretty stupid. What’s changed is the amount of baggage you bring to a relationship at 44 vs. 18-25. What’s the same is the exhilarating feeling it is to have someone show an interest in you despite the baggage.
I struggle with the idea of wanting to find a more permanent companion and rationalize reasons to not look right now. I think about my teenage children who within the next 5 years will be off to college and then I will be completely alone. With that thought in mind, I take the time out to appreciate the moments I have with my kids and try to be more receptive to idea of meeting someone new. After all who wouldn’t want to find someone to be able to share their heart, their love, and their world. I have to remind myself to simply put one foot in front of the other as I re-enter the mystical sea which is said to have plenty of fish in.
I remember the first time I saw the ocean, the waters were so rough and went as far as the eye could see. Growing up amongst the giant skyscapers of NYC with weekends in the country surrounded by NE’s canopy of trees, the sight of the endless horizon view the sea offered was amazing to me. I thought it was magical. The thought of going in frightening. Now as I stare out at the open waters once again before me, the same scared feelings arise from within. But I’m going to try to take a deep breath and try to take one cautious step at a time.
Recently, I’ve become more aware that I have a number of friends that have blogs. I have dabbled in blogging over the years under different names and for the most part life gets in the way and I haven’t kept up with it.
Odd for me too, after all, I’ve been journaling since I was a teenager beginning in 1980. I still have volumes of my diaries filled with the lusty descriptions of sex with my boyfriend and how much I loved, loved, loved having sex (and still do) to the countless angry passages about my relationship with my family. Occasionally a friend or boyfriend had scribbled a note or drawing on my pages after perhaps I had shared with them in a trusting moment. Only to have my diary read by my mother and sister countless times. The shocking clarity of those early diaries made my mother blush. She’d say I should find a job writing for a xxx magazine. I do have a great imagination but I was at the time simply writing about my new sexual experiences and feelings of first love. The simple act of writing is cathartic. It’s a way of processing information for me.
Recently a new friend of mine who also shares my love of writing and I were talking about being afraid of doing new things. Change is a difficult thing and trying new things out can be a scary thing. Fear of the unknown. It stops many of us from trying at all. This is my attempt at trying to overcome a little of that. Because in the end it doesn’t really matter if my writing sucks or my views are stupid. It doesn’t matter if no one reads this blog at all but me. Its the process in the end which will matter the most I think.
I look forward to blogging more …
“You are a king by your own fireside, as much as any monarch in his throne.”
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra quotes (Spanish writer, author of the masterwork ‘El quijote’, 1547-1616)